Crossing the boundaries of Affection

There are times you never know when memory, imagination and dream colludes.

This is one of the examples where I can't decipher if this is real event that happened in my life or just 'myth' that i would like to beleive as real.Or just a dream that I dreamed three days in row..

As I stare at the logs in the water memories of my life as a 3/4 year child came back from nowhere......

When my mom sent me away to my grandpas home...I had a young girl as my nanny.... every evening she used to carry me to a railway bridge which was little outside the town.....where she used to meet her 'brother' secretly...now i think/know he must be her lover....

It was a strange lonely place and quite eerie too. Somehow I used to get shit scared of this place.. ...wind used to blow very hard wheezing in your ears. and as the train used to whistle past the bridge its shrill sounds used leave a strange taste in my mouth...every time a train crossed the bridge, it used to shake so violently that i used to feel my heart beating faster and my mouth going dry. I Hated that place and yet my nanny would bring me very often to this place against all my wishes... we used to sit on the cement bench at the end of the bridge, and my little mind would hope... no train should pass that day as long as we would spend our time there. one could see the river waters flowing calmly underneath.... . down below there used be logs floating in the river waters.. probably railway sleepers which were dumped in the waters...I used to see these logs coming together ..and then breaking away... as they came closer they would stack up in close huddle splashing water on each other...bumping into each other... giggling.. may be singing...they were just happy meeting each other,, enjoying each others company

little by little, I began to build my imaginary stories around the logs... there was a mama log( a big log) which was tied to rope and baby logs ( smaller logs) which were free floating
as i used see them coming together I would imagine them hugging each other... then they used to go to school as they moved apart..when again when they used to come together they would come home for lunch... they used go to play as they moved further away.. so on and so forth..Every day I used to make a new story... that was the only solace I could feel in place... otherwise I used to hate to come there...
And one day.....

mama log disappeared.....but few baby logs were still hanging around .. floating aimlessly in the waters bobbing up and down .... but now they had begun to drift away... aimlessly... and were being dragged away by the river currents towards horizon.. there was no destination..only helplessness....as a child I knew drifting apart was their destiny..and it was inevitable... as they moved towards horizon i just waved them goodbye and they said goodbye to me.......It was the saddest moment of my life..probably moment of silent truth that taught me something about life....

I just couldn't contain my sadness in my heart so I cried and I cried for 6 to 7 hours non-stop..... my nanny never understood what was wrong with me and got scarred and rushed me home to my granny. When my granny got to know that she had been taking me this desolate place she was furious... and sacked her from the job.....

My granny believed that I must have seen some 'spirits' (there was a belief among the villagers that water spirits live around the river specially near railway bridge as many people used to commit suicide) and got scarred...fact was I was not crying because i saw any spirit or mama log had gone missing but what I realized that day was drifting away of the baby logs was their inevitable destiny... the only way they could continue their life after mama log was gone was to move on... they had a very happy time together but as things changed... they went their ways.... as if they were telling me something....teaching me not to cling on....as they drifted silently in the horizon.....I understood perfectly what they said as we said goodbye ...BUT I never wanted to learn this truth and just wanted to cling on.. and keep going back to shore to mama log... even when she was long gone...trying to live in delusions.. trying to cling on to good times....

All I know that I crossed the boundaries of my affection..